shitroughdrafts:

April 8, 2015

Dear Mr. Kerin,

It was brought to my attention by
your neighbor, John Flink, that you have two garden gnomes on your front lawn
that that were not approved by the HOA before installation. Please adhere to the guidelines
(see Appropriate Lawn Decor on page 3) and remove them within five
business days, or you will be fined.

Ellis Hills is a beautiful
neighborhood, and we keep it that way by sticking to these rules!

Thanks!

Linda Hoyt, HOA
President

 

 April 9, 2015

 Dear Mr. Kerin,

Mr. Flink emailed me this afternoon
and informed me that there are now five gnomes on your front lawn. He also said
that they are all facing his house.

 I don’t know three extra gnomes
showed up (unless they’re breeding LOL), or why they are now facing his house.
But please be advised that you are now in violation of our Allowed
Quantities of Lawn Decor
rule (see page 7).

You have four days until you are
fined. Please address this issue ASAP.

Thanks!

Linda Hoyt, HOA President

 

April 10, 2015

Dear Mr. Kerin,

I drove by your house this morning
on the way to drop my children off at school and saw your lawn. There are now
over a dozen garden gnomes in your yard, all facing Mr. Flink’s house. A few of
these have been placed in sexually suggestive positions. I do not think garden
gnomes come in these positions, which means that someone (I’m not saying you)
placed them as such. Regardless, they violate the board’s rule on Appropriate
Lawn Décor Positions
on page 9.

Mr. Henrys, you have three days
left to comply with the board’s rules, or you will be fined.

Are you getting these emails?

Thanks!

Linda Hoyt, HOA
President

 

April 11, 2015

Dear Mr. Kerin,

I was emailed a picture of your
lawn this morning by your neighbor John Flink, and was surprised to find that
there are now close to thirty gnomes in your lawn. Not only are they all
staring directly at his house, they are now also sexually explicit. After a
quick Yahoo search, I could not find any store that sold such “X rated” gnomes.
This gives me the impression that you made them yourself.

Mr. Kerin, I don’t know where
you’re getting the time or the money to create these monstrosities, but they
will not be tolerated. We have children in this neighborhood.

Please be advised that you have two
days left before incurring fines.

FYI you are now also in violation
of our Sexually Explicit Lawn Décor rule on page 17. Until today, I was not aware this
rule even existed.

Thanks!

Linda Hoyt, HOA
President

April 12, 2015

Dear Mr. Kerin,

I was woken up by a phone call from
John Flink at 6AM this morning. He was threatening to call the police. We have
never had the police called in this neighborhood. Not even once. I calmed him
down and went over to see what the problem was.

Mr. Kerin, the only time I’ve ever
seen an orgy was in the movie Caligula but
the scene your gnomes depict on your front lawn makes Caligula look PG. The gnomes are in positions I haven’t ever even
imagined, and even if I could have imagined them, I wouldn’t have done so with
gnomes! 

There are over one hundred of them.
I could barely see any grass through the limbs and appendages of the disgusting
little men.

One gnome in particular is wearing
a shirt that says “John Flink” on it and it is wearing a horse mask. Two other
gnomes are treating him like a horse.

This is in direct violation of an
HOA rule that the HOA just decided to make. Please see Sexually Explicit
Depictions of Neighbors as Lawn Decor
in the new edition of the HOA
guidelines attached as a PDF.

You have until tomorrow, Mr. Kerin. Also, John Flink has called a
lawyer.

Thanks!

Linda Hoyt, HOA
President


April 13, 2015

Dear Mr. Kerin,

I don’t know how you did it, but thank
you for removing all of the gnomes. I’m glad we could avoid getting the
authorities involved!

Since you managed to do it before
five business days, there will be no fine, just a warning.

As a reminder, please do not place
any decorations in your yard without direct approval from the board.

Thanks!

Linda Hoyt, HOA
President

 

April 14, 2015

Dear Mr. Kerin,

It was just brought to my attention
that there is a bright pink decorative flamingo in the middle of your front
lawn.

I have also been informed that this
lawn flamingo is wearing a thong.

If you do not remove this flamingo
within five business days, expect a follow up from Kelly Lawson, as she is
taking over as HOA President. As of today I have resigned.

Thanks!

Linda Hoyt

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